nobody’s fool

april fools day can be funny or annoying depending on what side of the joke you end up. reading through my facebook feed this morning i shook my head at the lack of originality in the pranks. i’m engaged! i’m pregnant! i got promoted! i’m moving to soandso! you get the picture. people use april fools to announce major life events in hopes of soliciting shock or excitement from friends and family.

the thing is that we should be excited about those kinds of announcements. the problem is that we make them jokes. is it because we want them so badly that we have to joke about the desire to escape the pain of the disappointment? i don’t know if it’s that deep for everyone but i know some people have waited so long that the very idea of them getting engaged is nothing more than a joke. that breaks my heart.

i have had my own personal struggle lately with trying to balance my desire to be married and enjoying my single life as it is. basically, i’ve come to the conclusion that after a decade plus of living the single life, i’m not really cut out for this. not sure how much longer i can last. i’m not alone because i hear it in my friends’ conversations and see it in my twitter or facebook feeds. most adults are looking for love. notice i said most and not all. i know some people who are perfectly content in the single life and plan to stay there for a while. it’s all about knowing what you want and where you are. nothing wrong with that. just like there’s nothing wrong with wanting love.

i just hope that in my desire to balance singleness with desires to be married, i stay sane. some days i feel like a crazy person because i grow weary of the whole thing. why haven’t i met “the one” as it were? why wasn’t he ready  for a commitment? why was the timing off? why did he choose her over me? i’m sure you’ve heard the same questions before. and in going through those situations, most women decide they don’t want to be anyone’s fool. they won’t let the next man do them like the last man. i get it. but my strategy is to stay open. i haven’t had my heart broken too many times because i am pretty selective with who i give it to. both men who had that privilege were great men. they just seemed to want something different. and in walking that out, i discovered more specifically what i wanted.

my requirements are still the same: love God, love me (in the appropriate time of course), love life and love people. that can look a lot of different ways but i’m confident i’ve found my prototype. i know what turns me on spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally. i’m sure there are many areas to discover still, but i have a solid idea of what i want. and i’m confident i’ll be chosen by the right man.

one day my mom told me she hoped i didn’t fall for ishmael while i was waiting for isaac. i get what she’s saying as i’m sure many single christian women have heard the same thing. but my problem with that is ishmael wasn’t a bad man. and he was still a blessed man. the circumstances surrounding his birth were out of his control. to label him for the rest of his life because of that makes no sense to me. especially if we believe that all children are a blessing. so, while isaac might have been the promised child, ishmael was still a fulfilled promise in his own right. i’m sure people will disagree but to each his own.

i’m not a fool even though i might have acted foolishly at times (haven’t we all?) and i know how to make good choices. i’m not sure why anyone would expect my love life to be any different. and when the time is right, i’ll be more than ready to say “i pledge my life to you, to love you as christ loved the church, to serve you as the head of our house, my lover and my friend, today and always.”

teach me how to love

to say that love is hard is an understatement. it’s a roller coaster of a ride that takes you to depth defying heights and gutter lows. it tests your resistance and resilience. it places you in positions that require a constant fight or flight reflex on a regular basis. love is work! and no wonder when so many of us never learned how to love.

we were never taught the importance of preferring someone over ourselves. we didn’t learn to listen first and ask questions later. we weren’t instructed in the art of being quick to forgive and repair what’s broken. our lessons in love have fallen far short of the true compassion that is necessary for a relationship to be successful.

i realize i am guilty of not really knowing how to love. i know how to fall in love but i need to learn how to stay in love. because when stuff gets hard, and it will, the gushy stuff won’t be enough. there will be days when the person i say i do to is the last person i want to see. how do you stay in love on those days? how do you push through the hard stuff to make sure your love lasts?

i don’t think anyone wakes up saying they want to get divorced and yet we find it common place in our society. i don’t want to be part of the brokenness. i want to be an example for the success of love. i want my love story to be forever. so, i’m taking time in my singleness to learn how to love.

i’m learning how to forgive and walk in compassion and exercise patience and pick my battles and chose peace over fighting.

i wonder how many others need to take up the walk. how many singles are interested in being taught how to love?

it’s not you, it’s me

i have come to the conclusion that i internalize way too much. when it comes to relationships, i tend to take a lot of responsibility for when things go wrong. i am very aware that i can be an “interesting” person to be in relationship with. just ask my family and friends! i imagine a romantic relationship would be in the same boat. i say imagine because, let’s face it, i haven’t had one to speak of so i’m going by the laws of common sense.

i have had a few friendships that ended badly over the years. actually, now that i think about it, it’s really only been two friendships. both from college although one was undergrad and one was grad. i wonder where those ladies are and what they are up to from time to time but i don’t think my life is necessarily missing something now that they are out of my life. but those two relationships taught me a thing or two about myself.

taking responsibility for one’s actions is a cornerstone value of mine. maybe it’s because i was raised in a single parent home by a mother who worked her ass off taking care of my brothers and i because my father just refused to take responsibility for his actions. a person who doesn’t own up to what they have done gets no slack from me. so, when i mess up — and i do on a regular — i admit it. i believe that makes for a healthy me and a healthy relationship with others.

but there are times when i’ve taken responsibility for things that really weren’t my doing. why? for the sake of keeping the peace? because i wanted to fix whatever was wrong? not really 100 percent sure why i do it but i’m willing to bet it has a lot to do with me thinking that i have so many flaws i have to be the cause of bad relationships.

the truth is, we are all flawed and just like i make mistakes, others do too. the other person might just as easily be the cause of the problem as i am. i know the saying, “it’s not you it’s me” has become a joke of sorts in the romantic relationship category but there is truth to it at times. sometimes the other person is just screwed up and no matter what you do, you can’t overcome their issues. why automatically assume you’re the one with the problem?

i am working on my issues on a regular basis. i happen to think i’m a good person and i would do anything for the people i love and care about. sometimes i hurt them unintentionally and sometimes i can be flat out bitchy when i don’t want to be bothered. that definitely makes me human! yet, i’ve managed to cultivate amazing, lifelong friendships with amazing people. i guess it’s part of the give and take of relationships. but some relationships are unhealthy or just not meant to be.

when you wake up and realize you are always taking responsibility for the things that go wrong in the relationship whether you are or not, or you give constantly and they take without end, it might be time for you to realize there is a problem. maybe they are right when they say, it’s not you it’s me.

you are the prototype

i recently had a guy friend ask me what kind of man i like. i know, you’re thinking i laid out my list in great detail so he was clear about the exact kind of man i’m looking for, right? wrong. he asked the question and sadly i had no clear answer.

truth is, i’m still in the process of discovering what kind of man i want. i blame my lack of dating experience as the main culprit. but i also acknowledge that i’m still evolving as a woman and learning new things about myself. as i’ve gotten older i have come to realize some things aren’t that big a deal to me and others are an absolute deal breaker!

at the heart of my man wish list are four simple things: love God, love me, love life, love people. but that can come in all kinds of packages! my friend’s question made me realize i haven’t decided on the packaging just yet. or at least, i thought i hadn’t.

although my dating experience is limited, i’ve loved two men in my life. surprisingly, they are very similar. both are engineers, former marines, oldest children, patient, super geeky, funny, conversationalist and easy to be around. i know people say that we all have a “type” but until recently i didn’t know i actually did.

i can say with complete honesty that both were hubby material to me, though i’ve no doubt i’d be happier with the most recent love interest. in fact, he’s the one i was pretty sure was “the one”. you know, the one you think was sent into your life because he was created just for you? okay, let’s back up for a second. i don’t believe in a soul mate by any means. i just wanted to make sure we were on the same page when i said “the one”. honestly, i think the chemistry i have with him is stronger than any force i’ve ever felt with another human that i wasn’t a, born related to or b, introduced to as a child.

i met him on a random night at a random event and i walked away saying to myself (don’t laugh!!!) “i think i just met the man i’m going to marry!” it was crazy and irrational and insane. yet, that is exactly what i thought. so after all that has transpired between us, i sum up our relationship with the lyrics to a wonderful song by andre 3000.

i hope that you’re the one but if not you’re the prototype. if i don’t spend the rest of my life with him — and it’s just as likely i won’t as it is i will all things considered — i can say with certainty i want someone like him. i want all the great things that make him so lovable as well as the chemistry that make him irresistible to me. so, if he can’t be the one i spend the rest of my life loving, he can serve as the prototype!

What is your state of mind?

The human brain is a fascinating and powerul thing. If you were to ever look at the map of the brain you would find there is a section for controlling motor skills, emotions, reasoning, creativity, sensory processing, the capacity to believe and the ability to dream. There is nothing quite like it under the sun. We are marvelous creatures. However, the state of your mind completely determines where you are in life — what decisions you make, how you react to the world around you and who has access to you. When you aren’t in the right frame of mind, look out.

I’ve had several discussions with my girl friends and guy friends over the years and always hear guys say when they make up their mind to settle down and look for a wife, it doesn’t take them long to find one. Women, on the other hand, can decide early – as we usually do – that we are ready for love and spend years looking for it in a whole lot of places. Why is it so different for men and women?

I don’t have a definite answer but I found a little enlightenment in a song by Music Soulchild called “Today.” The lyrics tell the story of a man searching for love while not really acknowledging what he wanted or what he was ready for should it magically appear.

People always on a search tryna find that one (one)
But it’s funny how they may not recognize it when it finally comes
(think it’s) think it’s at the mall
(or it’s) or it’s sippin’ at the bar
All these dates and phone conversations we doing it all for what
When your Mrs. Right it’s always Mrs. Wrong (Mrs. Wrong)
But I never stop to notice you where there all along (yeah)
Girl you’re everything I could ever want and need
Now it’s all clear to me and that’s why

Today I’ve made up my mind
I’m gonna take this chance, bet my life on this
Cause this precious love I’ve found in you
My yesterday’s are gone and tomorrow’s never promised to no one
I finally decided girl that my today is you

When he finally decided what he wanted he realized it was already there. I’m not on the fairytale love affair that hollywood portrays as reality. Sometimes the person has been there all along. Most times that’s not the case, but when you make up your mind about what you want you start looking for it in the right place. You realize that maybe some of your actions haven’t lined up with what you say you want in a mate. I’ve always been told that you attract what you are so if you don’t like what you attract you need to look at yourself.

When your state of mind changes to reflect a healthy image of who you are in God’s eyes, you start expecting more for yourself. You want to be treated as a valuable person rather than tolerating others to trample over your feelings. When you see yourself the way God sees you, you discover that you deserve the best in your mate and you don’t have to settle for the okie doke or other foolishness that passes for relationships these days. So, today, make up your mind to align your thoughts about who you are with who God says you are. Then when someone comes into your life, not only will you be ready for it, you will be in position to accept God’s absolute best. It won’t be perfect because perfection is a fallacy. But it will be what you deserve and if you work at it and cherish it, your love will grow.