self help is not for me!

i was talking to my girlfriend the other day and she mentioned the group would like to start a book club. i’m an avid reader and always down for sharing dialogue over a good book. the problem is that i’m anti self-help books, especially those on relationships, and therefore no interested in a book club with the girls.

why the hate toward self help relationship books? it’s pretty simple really. i used to read all the christian books about being a woman after God’s heart so i can attract a man after God’s heart. i devoured the books that said i needed to work on me so i could be the kind of person i wanted to attract and yada yada. i even read i kissed dating good-bye, which i totally regret now because how else do you learn how to interact with men unless you spend time with them? sigh.

needless to say i have had  my fill of books telling me that the reason i’m single is because something is wrong with me. i’m too focused on finding love. i’m not focused enough on making myself a better person. love comes when you least expect it, when you’re busy living your life. news flash. i live a very full life. i travel, volunteer, socialize, hold leadership positions in civic groups, play sports, enjoy the arts, garden, etc. if anything, i’m too busy most weeks. so, what is the reason i’m still single?

whatever the reason is, i can guarantee i’m not going to find the answer in one of the many self help books that exist because we as women are constantly told the problem lies with us. i admit to being a work in progress because perfection doesn’t exist and we always have room for improvement. but i’m not the same woman i was at 21 or even 25. i’ve grown. i’ve learned to embrace who i am and who i want to be. while i don’t knock those who seek to find themselves in the pages of books like “if men are buses why can’t i catch one?”, i am just not that girl.

i believe my 42 is out there. i also believe that i have options. there is no such thing as a “soul mate” and there is no such thing as “one person being the perfect person for me”. there are many men who share my mission, vision and passion. i’ve even met a few. at this point, i’m just waiting to meet the one who brings the chemistry and the maturity. a book didn’t teach me that. life experience did.

so, by all means, read the books because we are to dwell in knowledge, but don’t believe the lie that the reason you are single is because something is wrong with you. you might need to do some self work as we all have to. maybe you are in a place where you aren’t healed from past relationships or experiences and you need time to heal. maybe you need to deal with anger, bitterness, loneliness and depression. deal with it! a relationship requires two whole people and you owe it to yourself and your future boo to be whole.

but if you find yourself in a good place and know that you are ready for love, don’t let the author of a book make you believe something is wrong with you. you are just fine! be the woman you were created to be and i’ll stand in agreement with you that you’ll attract the man you always knew you wanted!

What is your state of mind?

The human brain is a fascinating and powerul thing. If you were to ever look at the map of the brain you would find there is a section for controlling motor skills, emotions, reasoning, creativity, sensory processing, the capacity to believe and the ability to dream. There is nothing quite like it under the sun. We are marvelous creatures. However, the state of your mind completely determines where you are in life — what decisions you make, how you react to the world around you and who has access to you. When you aren’t in the right frame of mind, look out.

I’ve had several discussions with my girl friends and guy friends over the years and always hear guys say when they make up their mind to settle down and look for a wife, it doesn’t take them long to find one. Women, on the other hand, can decide early – as we usually do – that we are ready for love and spend years looking for it in a whole lot of places. Why is it so different for men and women?

I don’t have a definite answer but I found a little enlightenment in a song by Music Soulchild called “Today.” The lyrics tell the story of a man searching for love while not really acknowledging what he wanted or what he was ready for should it magically appear.

People always on a search tryna find that one (one)
But it’s funny how they may not recognize it when it finally comes
(think it’s) think it’s at the mall
(or it’s) or it’s sippin’ at the bar
All these dates and phone conversations we doing it all for what
When your Mrs. Right it’s always Mrs. Wrong (Mrs. Wrong)
But I never stop to notice you where there all along (yeah)
Girl you’re everything I could ever want and need
Now it’s all clear to me and that’s why

Today I’ve made up my mind
I’m gonna take this chance, bet my life on this
Cause this precious love I’ve found in you
My yesterday’s are gone and tomorrow’s never promised to no one
I finally decided girl that my today is you

When he finally decided what he wanted he realized it was already there. I’m not on the fairytale love affair that hollywood portrays as reality. Sometimes the person has been there all along. Most times that’s not the case, but when you make up your mind about what you want you start looking for it in the right place. You realize that maybe some of your actions haven’t lined up with what you say you want in a mate. I’ve always been told that you attract what you are so if you don’t like what you attract you need to look at yourself.

When your state of mind changes to reflect a healthy image of who you are in God’s eyes, you start expecting more for yourself. You want to be treated as a valuable person rather than tolerating others to trample over your feelings. When you see yourself the way God sees you, you discover that you deserve the best in your mate and you don’t have to settle for the okie doke or other foolishness that passes for relationships these days. So, today, make up your mind to align your thoughts about who you are with who God says you are. Then when someone comes into your life, not only will you be ready for it, you will be in position to accept God’s absolute best. It won’t be perfect because perfection is a fallacy. But it will be what you deserve and if you work at it and cherish it, your love will grow.