it’s not you, it’s me

i have come to the conclusion that i internalize way too much. when it comes to relationships, i tend to take a lot of responsibility for when things go wrong. i am very aware that i can be an “interesting” person to be in relationship with. just ask my family and friends! i imagine a romantic relationship would be in the same boat. i say imagine because, let’s face it, i haven’t had one to speak of so i’m going by the laws of common sense.

i have had a few friendships that ended badly over the years. actually, now that i think about it, it’s really only been two friendships. both from college although one was undergrad and one was grad. i wonder where those ladies are and what they are up to from time to time but i don’t think my life is necessarily missing something now that they are out of my life. but those two relationships taught me a thing or two about myself.

taking responsibility for one’s actions is a cornerstone value of mine. maybe it’s because i was raised in a single parent home by a mother who worked her ass off taking care of my brothers and i because my father just refused to take responsibility for his actions. a person who doesn’t own up to what they have done gets no slack from me. so, when i mess up — and i do on a regular — i admit it. i believe that makes for a healthy me and a healthy relationship with others.

but there are times when i’ve taken responsibility for things that really weren’t my doing. why? for the sake of keeping the peace? because i wanted to fix whatever was wrong? not really 100 percent sure why i do it but i’m willing to bet it has a lot to do with me thinking that i have so many flaws i have to be the cause of bad relationships.

the truth is, we are all flawed and just like i make mistakes, others do too. the other person might just as easily be the cause of the problem as i am. i know the saying, “it’s not you it’s me” has become a joke of sorts in the romantic relationship category but there is truth to it at times. sometimes the other person is just screwed up and no matter what you do, you can’t overcome their issues. why automatically assume you’re the one with the problem?

i am working on my issues on a regular basis. i happen to think i’m a good person and i would do anything for the people i love and care about. sometimes i hurt them unintentionally and sometimes i can be flat out bitchy when i don’t want to be bothered. that definitely makes me human! yet, i’ve managed to cultivate amazing, lifelong friendships with amazing people. i guess it’s part of the give and take of relationships. but some relationships are unhealthy or just not meant to be.

when you wake up and realize you are always taking responsibility for the things that go wrong in the relationship whether you are or not, or you give constantly and they take without end, it might be time for you to realize there is a problem. maybe they are right when they say, it’s not you it’s me.

Beware of the girlfriend with no girlfriends

Sister circles are a permanent fixture in female culture. From childhood, we learn to group with each other and share intimate bonds that last a lifetime. Whether you call them your sisters, sistahs, sissys,  girls, girlfriends or besties these ladies affirm you in positive ways.

My heart always breaks a little when I hear other women say they don’t have female friends or they don’t like females. Male culture has done a great job of painting women as manipulative and conniving “bitches” who can’t be trusted. We really don’t need women to join the revolution.  Sadly, these women who shun female friendships are denying themselves one of God’s greatest gifts to female culture – sisterhood.

Girlfriends have the unique ability to gauge your mood without exchanging words. They can relate to your need to analyze every detail of the exchange you just had with the cute guy at the grocery store. They instinctively know when you need a word of encouragement or an opportunity to vent. They are there to celebrate all the great moments in life and comfort you during the tough times. Girlfriends can relate to the joys and pains of womenhood that comes with aging, relationships, motherhood, career advancement, work/life balance and the guilt of pursuing a career and being away from the children. Girlfriends get it in ways that men were never designed to get it. Sisterhood is sacred and should be sought, not avoided.

I am personally very leery of the woman who doesn’t have any close girlfriends. Maybe past experiences with “messy” women have turned her off from female relationships but my guess is she is most likely the center of the “mess” in question. Afterall, you attract what you are, not what you want to be. I’ve witnessed my fair share of women who gain your trust only to betray it to the next person. I’ve encountered women who wanted to be your friend to get close to your guy. I’ve even interacted with women who thought being a friend meant belittling their friends to make themselves feel better. Yes, messy and immature women do exist. But so do women like the amazing ladies I call my sisters. They are loving, caring, giving women who would move heaven and earth to be there for me when needed. I would gladly do the same for each of them every day of the week. I would never think about denying myself the gift of their friendship because life was meant to be experienced with girlfriends!