birthday wish

today is my birthday and for the last five years i’ve had the same wish. i know they say if i tell you it won’t come true so i’ll give you a hint. it involves me spending the evening with a very special person and laughing and dancing and enjoying great food, conversation and company. you can probably guess what i’ve been wishing for! sadly each year that wish goes unanswered. not sure how i manage to not secure this particular event on my birthday but i will be honest and say the unfulfilled wish is getting old. i mean really!

i have once again made my wish and i hope it comes true. i’m closest to it happening this year than any year in recent history. it would be nice to actually get what i want for once. my friends and family always make sure i have a great birthday each year. but what my heart desires is something my friends can’t give me and the absence of it has gotten harder to accept as the years pass.

popping the question

check out the whole comic here: http://leighgallagherart.blogspot.com/2010/11/message-for-niki.html

a lot of women think about the moment when their honey dip will ask their hand in marriage. they fantasize and romanticize the moment in their minds and hope that he lives up to all their expectations. it’s no wonder guys feel so much pressure about how to ask their lady to walk down the aisle.

the art of proposing has grown to new heights in our rapidly changing digital age. gone are the days of getting down on one knee at the park or slipping a ring in the dessert after a romantic dinner. no you have to get downright creative. and i don’t mean asking for the ladies hand in marriage on the jumbotron at a sporting event or concert. i’m talking about programming a video game that asks for her hand in marriage. or crafting an elaborate web comic to pop the question.

i for one never gave it much thought. i’m a planner but believe that i need a non-planner to balance me out. i don’t want the SITC charlotte proposal where she ends up popping the question herself. but it doesn’t have to be a big production. i hope my honey takes clues from my personality and does something that fits who we are to each other. i’m more than a little geeky so comics and video games could be a part of it. so could cosplay. but really, any geeky reference will do. i’ve acknowledge that my journey to find love ends with me finding my 42. only a geek will understand the significance of that number. and it’s my hope that my boo will understand the significance of personality when choosing how he asks me to spend the rest of my life loving him as his wife.

i don’t think that’s too much to ask for. do you?

what’s right in front of you

have you ever heard someone say you can’t see the forest for all the trees? it seems like an odd statement considering a forest is made up of trees but i guess what they are saying is that sometimes you focus on the individual components and ignore the big picture. i like to think i’m a big picture girl. i’m always looking down the road and thinking of how my actions today will determine my future. i guess you could say i’m stuck on seeing the forest while ignoring the individual trees.

i can’t say which is better since i’m sure there is a lovely colloquialism that says the exact opposite and therefore proving the dominance of neither saying. but i do wonder, is it bad to always see the big picture. should you spend some moments enjoying the view of each tree? what value is gained from being able to see what is right in front of you?

my friends have been trying to get me to meet new guys since my “relationship” with my last interest didn’t pan out. they insist there are great men out there just waiting to meet me. in actuality, i can’t argue with that statement completely. yes, there are many men available in the area and yes some of them are actually looking for someone, but it all falls apart when it comes to the meeting process. is it because i fail to see what is right in front of me? are there decent guys in my life right now who are showing interest but i have yet to realize it?

i’m inclined to say no. of course i would notice if someone was trying to get my attention, right? i might be guilty of not sharing their interest but i’m not completely clueless. or at least i’d like to think i’m not clueless. i guess that remains to be seen.

come by accident, stay on purpose

i was trolling my facebook newsfeed when i read my cousin’s status. it was intriguing enough to make me pause and think if that was really what love should be. i know you’re wondering what her status said so i’ll share: i want a person who comes into my life by accident and stays on purpose.

not astrophysicist stuff but it’s pretty profound to me. i guess because i’m always hearing people say i found love when i was least expecting it. which, by the way sounds ridiculous to me because i don’t ever go through a day without a level of expectation for the things i want. but maybe what they really mean is they expected love to find them, they just weren’t actively seeking it. makes more sense to me and we’ll just say that’s what they really mean.

so, back to my cousin’s statement. are we all really just going through life like ships passing each other in the night and hoping for chance encounters that brings that special someone into our lives? do we want someone to “accidently” enter our space and discover by happenstance they are exactly what we’ve been expecting without expecting forever?

i like to think i’m an intentional person. i intentionally get out to meet and mingle with people. i intentionally engage others in conversation. i intentionally cultivate relationships with people. is it possible that i’ve been doing things wrong all along? chances are things aren’t stacked against me as there isn’t anything wrong with being intentional. but i’ve had a few chance encounters with people who have added greatly to my life whether short-term or long-term. and there are others who have become a part of my life in a way i can only describe as fate. they were supposed to be there. i can’t say at this time which is better: accidental encounter or kismet encounters.

either way, i have to agree that i want someone in my life who chooses to stay on purpose. particularly when we’re discussing love. i don’t want to love someone who doesn’t want to be there. i want my life story to be a lifetime of love rather than the starter marriage type stuff that plaques society today. however, he comes into my life, i just want him to love me on my good days, my bad days, my pretty days, my ugly days and all the days in-between.

self help is not for me!

i was talking to my girlfriend the other day and she mentioned the group would like to start a book club. i’m an avid reader and always down for sharing dialogue over a good book. the problem is that i’m anti self-help books, especially those on relationships, and therefore no interested in a book club with the girls.

why the hate toward self help relationship books? it’s pretty simple really. i used to read all the christian books about being a woman after God’s heart so i can attract a man after God’s heart. i devoured the books that said i needed to work on me so i could be the kind of person i wanted to attract and yada yada. i even read i kissed dating good-bye, which i totally regret now because how else do you learn how to interact with men unless you spend time with them? sigh.

needless to say i have had  my fill of books telling me that the reason i’m single is because something is wrong with me. i’m too focused on finding love. i’m not focused enough on making myself a better person. love comes when you least expect it, when you’re busy living your life. news flash. i live a very full life. i travel, volunteer, socialize, hold leadership positions in civic groups, play sports, enjoy the arts, garden, etc. if anything, i’m too busy most weeks. so, what is the reason i’m still single?

whatever the reason is, i can guarantee i’m not going to find the answer in one of the many self help books that exist because we as women are constantly told the problem lies with us. i admit to being a work in progress because perfection doesn’t exist and we always have room for improvement. but i’m not the same woman i was at 21 or even 25. i’ve grown. i’ve learned to embrace who i am and who i want to be. while i don’t knock those who seek to find themselves in the pages of books like “if men are buses why can’t i catch one?”, i am just not that girl.

i believe my 42 is out there. i also believe that i have options. there is no such thing as a “soul mate” and there is no such thing as “one person being the perfect person for me”. there are many men who share my mission, vision and passion. i’ve even met a few. at this point, i’m just waiting to meet the one who brings the chemistry and the maturity. a book didn’t teach me that. life experience did.

so, by all means, read the books because we are to dwell in knowledge, but don’t believe the lie that the reason you are single is because something is wrong with you. you might need to do some self work as we all have to. maybe you are in a place where you aren’t healed from past relationships or experiences and you need time to heal. maybe you need to deal with anger, bitterness, loneliness and depression. deal with it! a relationship requires two whole people and you owe it to yourself and your future boo to be whole.

but if you find yourself in a good place and know that you are ready for love, don’t let the author of a book make you believe something is wrong with you. you are just fine! be the woman you were created to be and i’ll stand in agreement with you that you’ll attract the man you always knew you wanted!

Frustrated and empty handed

this year i made a decision to be open to love. it’s a simple thing to say but trust me it’s no easy feat. we have a lot of things that interfere with our ability to be open to love. past relationships, past hurts, internal fears and lies, insecurities and sometimes just the obstacles of life can prevent us from being open. but i managed to be open to love and in seven months i have fallen in love and had my heart broken.

that wasn’t exactly how i saw things going when i decided to be open to love back in december of 09. at 31, i felt like it was time for the “magic” to actually happen. i’ve certainly watched enough people my age and younger find what i desperately wanted. nothing could have convinced me back then that i wouldn’t be successful. but alas, i’m seven months into the year, heading into the eighth month and still without love.

i did manage to find a wonderful man who was a great match for me. we shared the same vision, mission, passion and interests. not that we were clones of each other, but i could certainly be myself and he seemed to be attracted to all of that. it didn’t happen right away. i mean, i certainly felt something — not quite sure what to call it — the night we met. i walked away feeling like i had just met someone i wanted to be in my life. but we went out, hung out and got to know each other. he made me laugh, he danced with me, he engaged my mind and i genuinely enjoyed being in his company.

it wasn’t all roses by any means, but i was happy. i’m a generally happy person and i love life, being with him added to that. several people told me i was glowing and that i seemed happier. but in the end he broke my heart. after seven months of getting to know him and spending time with him, i walk away empty handed. i have mixed emotions about that. i don’t regret being open. but i’m seriously tired of being empty handed.

that is my frustration with the process of “finding” love. everyone tells you it’s out there and you want to believe that it is because of course there is someone who will add to your life and love you the way you love them. we weren’t created to be alone and as a christian, i’ve always believed that i had a helpmate out there somewhere. i don’t believe in one perfect soul mate but i do believe that it’s rare to find someone that “gets” you the way he seemed to get me. it’s disappointing and frustrating and the ultimate suckage. i thought he was my 42. (if you’re not a geek, i’m sorry. i pity you and i advise you to look up the reference as i won’t be educating you at this time.)

he wants to be my friend. why? because, in his words, i’m an awesome person and he enjoys being around me. of course i’m awesome! you aren’t telling me anything i don’t already know. but my question is why should i allow you access to me as a friend? i’m not of the belief that women and men can’t be friends, but why would i want to continue to hang out with someone whom i found plenty of reasons to love but he doesn’t seem able to say the same? doesn’t sound like grounds for a good friendship. besides, i didn’t date him for his friendship. i dated him because i thought we could have more than friendship. i was wrong.

so now i have 4 months left in this year (since august is a few days away) and i wonder if i’ll be successful at achieving my goal. in a sense i was open to love and i managed to fall in love. but he didn’t love me back and that amounts to failure. a lot can happen in a year and since the year isn’t over maybe there are great things in store for me. i hope so because i’m seriously tired of being empty handed when it comes to love. why is it so hard?

Only date guys who eat brownies

I’m watching a cute movie on the ABCFamily channel called Sleepover starring Alexa Vega. It is about a group of girls who have a sleepover and end up going on this crazy scavenger hunt to win the prime lunch seat when they go to high school next year. Super cute. Also full of a little unexpected wisdom.

One of the girls, Yancy, is a little chunky. Like most chunky people, she suffers from low self-esteem. Then one of the other girls asks her a seemingly random question that packs a wise punch.

“Yancy, would you rather eat celery or a brownie?”
“Is that some kind of trick question?”
“Exactly. So, only date guys who eat brownies.”

It’s so simple, yet true. Why do women feel like they have to change in order to find a guy? We certainly don’t hold men to the same standards! We’re always willing to “work with a brother.” Why do we resign ourselves to dating them because we see their potential when they only date us if we measure up to their standards? It’s completely crazy and imbalanced. Be who you are and love who you are! Just date men who also love who and what you are!

It’s a Saturday night and I’m sitting home Skyping with my best friend and coding a website.  I am a serious geek and I love my geeky side! I also did a little cleaning and cooking today. I’m very domestic and I love my domestic diva side. I watched the playoff games and plan to watch the two games tomorrow. I love my athletic side. I dance and write and read and enjoy the out doors and live music and movies. All of my interests combine to make me who I am and I really dig that chick! Why would I change her just to get a guy who doesn’t know a good thing when he sees it? Not gonna happen!

Ladies, if you like brownies then stop dating guys who want you to give them up! Find a man who thinks brownies are an essential food group like you do. It will make you happier and give your relationship a better chance at survival!

Revising “The List”

I live in beautiful and rainy Seattle. It is a metropolitan of contradictions. We have the most beautiful natural scenery but it’s hidden behind fog and clouds most of the year. We are home to some of the most caffeinated people on the planet but we boast high levels of depression. There is always some festival, art show, concert or sporting event going on but it is possible to live here for years without making a connection with people. There are a number of good looking, educated black men here yet dating is long suffering. You get my point by now, so I will move on. This post is about the contradiction of having an eligible pool of black men to date and still not meeting anyone.

You ladies know dating does not rank high on my list of activities. For those of you who thought that might change with the new year, let me assure you it has not! I still loathe the process. More than the process of dating, I sincerely hate creating “the list.” Yes, you know what I mean. The list of attributes, accomplishments and assets that we think guarantees a match made in heaven.

When I think of the list I created for my ideal mate many moons ago, I break out in hysterical laughter. It included height (I’m short so I wanted some one tall to give my children a chance), skin tone ( I love my chocolate brothers), athletic build (I’m a former cheerleader and I enjoy physical activity), well groomed (that requires no explanation) and a few other items that rarely ventured passed physical attraction.

As I matured I added things like enjoys movies, likes to cook, has a sense of humor, wants to travel, can enjoy great conversation and appreciate silence. My tastes went from being purely physical to include a number of personality traits. I would take my list out and edit it each year in hopes that the latest revision brought me closer to meeting my Mr. Right.

Once I started understanding my identity in Christ, I added some more spiritual sounding things such as, must love God, enjoys spending time in the Word, goes to church regularly. You know the routine. Before too long, I had a lengthy list of things I wanted in a man and began to pray over it just like I was taught at church. A funny thing happened. I knew a man who matched my checklist almost to the dime. We grew up together and no one could tell me I wasn’t going to spend the rest of my life with him. But, he didn’t choose me. In my mind it didn’t make sense because he was my list. Everything I had been taught said that once I found the things on my list it would work out.

I spent many nights crying, of course, and wondering what went wrong. Did I not match his list? Did I not add enough of the right things to my list? Did I fail to pray hard enough over my list? It was madness! After a few years of swearing off love and deciding to open my heart to it again, I have learned a few things. Checking items off your list does not guarantee relationship success. It can be a good starting point, I guess, but you need to have the right things on the list for it to matter in the first place.

For instance, many women want a man with a good job, education, his own home, etc. I know a few men in that category and they have no interest in having a relationship right now. So when women meet them, they are disappointed the happily ever after doesn’t follow. Maybe they should have added “ready for a relationship” to the list!

I no longer have a list. Or, I should say not your typical list. I do have standards and expectations, as should everyone looking to trust someone else with their heart. It’s just, my current list looks nothing like the previous versions. I have four simple requirements and I will not yield on any of them. They represent the core of who I am and a person who doesn’t fit those four requirements can’t possibly be good for me. Okay, I know you want to know. Here it is:

1. Loves God with his whole heart
2. Loves me like Christ loves the church
3. Loves life completely
4. Loves people deeply

That’s it. If those four things are in place I believe we can have something to build on for years to come. So, what does your list look like? How has it changed over the years? I would love for you ladies to share with our readers. We’re all single and in the same boat, so let’s get through this thing together!

What is your state of mind?

The human brain is a fascinating and powerul thing. If you were to ever look at the map of the brain you would find there is a section for controlling motor skills, emotions, reasoning, creativity, sensory processing, the capacity to believe and the ability to dream. There is nothing quite like it under the sun. We are marvelous creatures. However, the state of your mind completely determines where you are in life — what decisions you make, how you react to the world around you and who has access to you. When you aren’t in the right frame of mind, look out.

I’ve had several discussions with my girl friends and guy friends over the years and always hear guys say when they make up their mind to settle down and look for a wife, it doesn’t take them long to find one. Women, on the other hand, can decide early – as we usually do – that we are ready for love and spend years looking for it in a whole lot of places. Why is it so different for men and women?

I don’t have a definite answer but I found a little enlightenment in a song by Music Soulchild called “Today.” The lyrics tell the story of a man searching for love while not really acknowledging what he wanted or what he was ready for should it magically appear.

People always on a search tryna find that one (one)
But it’s funny how they may not recognize it when it finally comes
(think it’s) think it’s at the mall
(or it’s) or it’s sippin’ at the bar
All these dates and phone conversations we doing it all for what
When your Mrs. Right it’s always Mrs. Wrong (Mrs. Wrong)
But I never stop to notice you where there all along (yeah)
Girl you’re everything I could ever want and need
Now it’s all clear to me and that’s why

Today I’ve made up my mind
I’m gonna take this chance, bet my life on this
Cause this precious love I’ve found in you
My yesterday’s are gone and tomorrow’s never promised to no one
I finally decided girl that my today is you

When he finally decided what he wanted he realized it was already there. I’m not on the fairytale love affair that hollywood portrays as reality. Sometimes the person has been there all along. Most times that’s not the case, but when you make up your mind about what you want you start looking for it in the right place. You realize that maybe some of your actions haven’t lined up with what you say you want in a mate. I’ve always been told that you attract what you are so if you don’t like what you attract you need to look at yourself.

When your state of mind changes to reflect a healthy image of who you are in God’s eyes, you start expecting more for yourself. You want to be treated as a valuable person rather than tolerating others to trample over your feelings. When you see yourself the way God sees you, you discover that you deserve the best in your mate and you don’t have to settle for the okie doke or other foolishness that passes for relationships these days. So, today, make up your mind to align your thoughts about who you are with who God says you are. Then when someone comes into your life, not only will you be ready for it, you will be in position to accept God’s absolute best. It won’t be perfect because perfection is a fallacy. But it will be what you deserve and if you work at it and cherish it, your love will grow.

Lost in translation

Relationships between adult men and women are a study in pure crazy. We undergo all these ridiculous grooming rituals to become attractive to the opposite sex only to come together and act uninterested. He spots you from across the room only to pretend he wasn’t looking when you try to make eye contact. You catch his eye only to reject his advance when he approaches. It’s a little too much like getting sucked into the time-space continuum and being spit out in the middle school gymnasium for the school dance.  Boys on one side, girls on the other and never the two shall meet.

I have to admit that in many ways I’m still that awkward, geeky girl who doesn’t quite know how to interact with men. I’m not ashamed to fess up because I know I’m not alone. I am friendly and outgoing under normal circumstance and can carry on a conversation with a complete stranger as long as there is no threat of attraction. The minute I am the slightest bit attracted, I tend to clam up. Middle school!

You are probably smart enough to figure out why dating distresses me so much. I want it to be easy and laid back. I want to hang out and talk and get to know you. I’m competitive and passionate and those are things people tend to notice right away. What I am not — under any circumstances–  is aggressive. Imagine my shock when I was accused of being aggressive by a guy I met in passing a few months ago. At first, I didn’t even know how to respond to the accusation. I have never in my adult life or pre-adult life made a pass at a guy. I would get too nervous and it would get all mixed up and turn out to be a big mess. Trust me. Just thinking about it makes my heart race. At 31, I think I know myself pretty well, and certainly better than someone who just met me!

So how is it that I seem to have communicated that I was chasing after this man? I will tell you how. It’s because dating is a study in crazy. Nothing about the process makes rational sense. If you’re interested you’re not allowed to come out and say it because that makes you too forward. If you’re not interested you have to be gracious about it so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings. When you want to speed things up you have to pretend to be completely unaffected by the progression thus far. When you have had your fill you have to pretend to be interested long enough to fall out of interest. If you exchange numbers you have to act like you don’t care if they call or not. If you don’t exchange numbers you have to act like you were okay with that. How do you keep up with the play book? At some point something has to give.

I guess that’s how I found myself lost in translation today. I honestly thought I was making a friendly comment with my trademark humor only to find out it was interpreted as aggression. Not only do men and women tend to speak different languages when it comes to dating, we have our own dialects within our gender languages. Confidence can be translated as aggression. Insecurities can be translated as mystery. Controlling can be translated as devotion. We each filter the language through our own cultural visor and depending on where we are from and how we were raised, we can find that we’re all getting lost in translation.

I am on a quest to discover the love of my life, but that doesn’t mean I see that potential in every man I meet. I imagine it is the same with you ladies and the guys you know. Maybe it’s time we stop jumping to conclusions and take time to actually communicate with each other. I believe that it is possible for us to speak the same language, it just might take a little patience with one another. We’re worth it, love is worth it, right?