With the end of the year of drawing near I have been reflective but when am I not…is the question…One of the biggest things that I’m taking away from this year is the quote on how we judge others by their behavior and ourselves based on our intentions…I have been sitting with that one for a hot minute because it hit me hard…This year has been a season of pruning for me and much of it has been spent grieving the lost of a friendship and relationship that were so important to me along with dealing with the power and pain of unmet expectations…Trying to find peace with the end of it and to truly acknowledge that it hurt like hell was hard…And no matter how fast and hard I tried to will myself not to feel or be done with it quickly… it didn’t happen that way… I had to feel it all in order to get some healing and make some necessary changes in my life because my brokeness and the luggage I was carrying around needed to be dealt with and unpacked ….not just for me but people I was yet to meet… But feeling the pain of it and then acknowledging that I hurt or didn’t honor someone’s ‘s feelings just amplified it…It was hard but that entire situation made me grow…and was the catalyst for my healing journey. I still have questions because there were so many layers but I’m making peace with them. Adele, Jill Scott, Nina Simone, Sade, Marvin Sapp, Luther Vandross…all were an important part of the musical backdrop to the score of my life this year…
On the flip side of things… I finally started to get the hang of not being so self-critical… apologizing and not explaining my intentions but sitting in it …fully embracing me and my coke bottle shape…exploring spiritual…and meditational balance…being open and aware about the type of energy that I’m putting out there…. Being…finding…and having…contemptment in my situation no matter how it looks… To be open and vulnerable even when it hurts and it’s the last thing I want to do….Along with realizing that my failures and fears are not my identity nor are they my future…I can move forward and not be an indentured servant to my past. These quotes while similar in nature are powerful and are just as layered as we are…they are like scripture…being that there is at least 7 different interpretations of each one… they truly sum up my reflections from the year…I am expecting bigger…better and brighter things in the upcoming year ( which is technically in march/april) but I am expecting it to start even before then and it is much welcomed…
“Accept everything about yourself–I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end–no apologies, no regrets”.–Clark Moustakas
“But an accurate definition of the self is impossible. You are more than you realize, more than you can define. And the more time you spend trying to nail down the definition, the less time you spend living right now. … Your past is not your identity… You, living now, is your identity.–George Lawrence-Ell (The Invisible Clock)
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God! Your playing small doesn’t’ serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.–Marianne Williamson (A Return To Love)
“We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions” Percy Ian
“Freedom Time”
Everybody knows that they’re guilty
Everybody knows that they’ve lied
Everybody knows that they’re guilty
Resting on their conscience eating their inside
It’s freedom, said it’s freedom time now
It’s freedom, said it’s freedom time now
Time to get free, oh give us yourselves up now
It’s freedom, said it’s freedom time[First and only verse]
Yo, there’s a war in the mind, over territory
For the dominion
Who will dominate the opinion….
“Flawed and all I am a gift”
“Hear My Call”
Here I am again asking questions,
Waiting to be moved.
I am so unsure of my perception,
What I thought I knew I don’t seem to
Where is the turn so I can get back to what I believe in?
Back to the old me and[Chorus]
God, please hear my call.
I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw
I need your healing
Please, please, please.
[Verse 2]
I am such a fool
How did I get here?
Played by all the rules (or at least I tried too)
Then they changed
I am but a child to your vision
Standing in the cold and the rain
Lost here in the dark
I can’t see my foot to take a step,
What is happening?
Oh, this hurts so bad. I can hardly breathe.
I just want to leave so…[Chorus]
God, please hear my call.
I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw
I need your healing
Please,
Too much on my mind
Too much on my mind
Too much on my… La la la la la la la la la
Here I am thinking again
All lost in my brain
But I know I should get up and get out of it
I gotta keep moving
But here I am lost all up inside my brain
Can’t stop thinking, reminiscing.
Can’t stop. Can’t let go.
But when I wake up,
And one day I will do it,
I have let you goNd everything I went through was beautiful
I have let you go
And everything I went through was beautiful
Maybe I, right now, can’t see the forest full of trees
So lost behind hurt
But I’m trying everyday exponentially
To move forward
O you know how it feels to be lost?
But when I wake up
Everything I went through would be beautiful
When I wake up
And I will wake up
It’s gonna be beautiful
Down to to my left side (Last cry)
Feeling I could fly (Feeling I could fly)
All day, up high.
Sweeter than the sugar on a cinnamon treat
Or an ice cream
That was me
But I’m feeling like I’m in a nightmare
Fear of loving somebody, everywhere
Oh Lord, I need this confirmation, this affirmation
That when I wake up
When I wake up
Everything I went through will be beautiful
When I wake up
Everything I went through will be beautiful
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up
Gotta wake up
”The two important things I did learn were that you are as powerful and strong as you allow yourself to be, and that the most difficult part of any endeavor is taking the first step, making the first decision”.–Robyn Davidson
“Unless your heart, your soul, and your whole being are behind every decision you make, the words from your mouth will be empty, and each action will be meaningless. Truth and confidence are the roots of happiness”.–Kathleen Pedersen
“Women are always being tested … but ultimately, each of us has to define who we are individually and then do the very best job we can to grow into it”.–Hillary Rodham Clinton
“ You need to claim the events of your life to make yourself yours. When you truly possess all that you have been and done, which may take some time, you are fierce with reality”.–Florida Scott Maxwell
“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens”.–Carl Jung
What happens when we take off our mask and acknowledge to others that we are hurting…struggling…and trying to make it just like they are. How different would the church be and by that I mean it’s people.. if we talked about the things that kept us up at night…drove us to drugs..unhealthy abusive relationships..poor eating habits…emotional eating…sex…alcohol…obessions…How different would our romantic life be if we took the time to truly deal with the things that we’ve been running from?
That would require us taking off our mask and breaking down the walls we put up as a means of protection and we can’t do that because…maintaining image at all cost is a by any means necessary situation driven by the fear of being “found out”! That thing steers the car down the road of self-preservation and dying on the inside but smiling on the outside because we can’t be found out…We are afraid to be vulnerable because of the hurt…riddicule…shame..of whatever it is that we are going through and sometimes people are messy and will only try to kick you when your down…so there lies our justification for being a hallowed out shell of ourselves…However…those same carnival barkers…. lukers…lookie loos…and instigators are probably just as bounded up and wounded…so they are acting out of their own pain and emptiness…
What would happen if we got free enough to take off the mask with our friends…the church…the people we mentor…What would happen then? How would our relationships be improved and strengthened? If we said I’ll hold your hand while you pull off the band-aid because I know it’s going to hurt… and know I know that your in pain and I will be here…What would happen then?….
Hey Ladies,
As of late my focus has been on the energy that I’m putting out, mediation, and getting my thought life in order so I’ve been feeding myself with lot’s of awesome teachings in this area. Of course I want to pass on some of those things to you all so I’m going to include the link to a series that has been pretty good…along with a quote.
“love gives up it’s right to be right” Joyce Meyer…
http://www.joycemeyer.org/BroadcastHome.aspx?video=I_Think_I_am_Right,_but_I_Could_Be_Wrong_–_Pt_1
http://www.joycemeyer.org/BroadcastHome.aspx?video=I_Think_I_am_Right,_But_I_Could_Be_Wrong_–_Pt_2
http://www.joycemeyer.org/BroadcastHome.aspx?video=Power_Thoughts_–_Pt_1 *this is a 4 part series but I’m only posting the first part.
- My curves are dangerous again and this time around I’m loving it!!!
- My sister said you better work that coke bottle shape…I love the support my sisters give me…
- I was finally able to see the bridge man playing his washboard. I love it when people are moved to let go and be free..
- My mentee and I had a really good break through moment the last time we met…I’m excited about her future…
- I am going thrifting again and I love it…
- Surgery was successful this time around for my mother and I’m thankful for that…I can’t wait to see her…
- I love that the TheSingleWoman; The Daily Love ; music…poems…and various books confirm and give voice to how I’m thinking and feeling.
- I am thankful for each new day and the ability to start over…I am thankful for learning how to forgive myself and to take it easy on the kid.
- I love that my sisters keep me focused on the type of man that I do want to have in my life…one day
- Right now I’m not ready for anything serious and I’m not desiring romantic love…marriage…and a family but I know that one day my feelings will change and romantic love will be a welcomed stranger back into my life…
- Once again I am thankful that my sisters keep me grounded in the romantic love area…and while there is no pressure they remind me that it used to be important to me and a desire even though it’s not one now or where my focus right is…one day it will be
- I am thankful that I’m waking up and seeing the beauty in life and the pain of the past which is why I’m totally feeling Jill Scott’s song “When I wake up”.
- I say yes to new energy…focus…dreams…mediation…self love…prayer… friends who care and healing
- am thankful for each and every day…for a chance to start over…for learning how to forgive myself…
- It was wonderful to get a hand written card from a young lady thanking me for helping her to not miss her love blessing because of past pain..
- If I hadn’t gone through the last season… the knowledge or the ability to see the signs to warn her on how not to let past experience ruin a good thing would’ve been missed
- I love that in some small way…I’ve been a part of her love story. It has truly been a beautiful story to watch unfold…
- I love that one day I’ll have a stand up man in my life who will be confident…sure of the things he wants but most importantly he will be unafraid to go after them…He will be a warrior…There won’t be any trace of dogish ways and word smith omissions…he won’t be afraid to be who he is and to be honest with me no matter what…He will love my inner and outer beauty…along with my intellect…His compass will be guided by the right energy…This man will not be weak but spiritually sound and on the same page with me… This man will balance me out and we will be a good team…the fact that I can now write that means I’ve come a long way and for that I’m thankful…
- Yep…the sun is out and shining…and when I fully wake up it will be beautiful….
- I love being random… eclectic…and me…feeling empowered.
- Man…I feel like a woman…gotta love Shania Twain
- the book I’m reading off and on is Reposition your life: and on deck is Shiny Material Things:
Expectations are the foundation that rejection, failure, disappointment, and love are built upon. Fortunately, or Unfortunately your experience with the word expectation is shaped at a very early age and whether it’s positive or negative is based on your parents and environment. It is at the core of every relationship and really everything that we do expect certain outcomes when we do certain things or because of those things.
For example if as a child you remember all the times your father promises to show up to your birthday party but doesn’t: this prompts you to work hard to be on your best behavior to make him see that you are good and worthy of his time. The effect of this train of thought is that you are always aiming to please your mother and others around you so that he(they) will make the time for you. Therefore at an early age you learn to die to yourself and your feelings to make others happy in order to get some semblance of having your emotional needs met. It is amazing how at an early age we are able to process and rationalize this behavior ,which then becomes ingrained in us throughout our lives…but in our minds sometimes we can or can’t figure out how we got this way or the impact of not having that emotional need met…is shaping or has shaped our adult relationships. Not having this need met causes us to act out in so many different ways…some that we recognize or don’t want to recognize. To change it and get the necessary healing or not…that’s a decision that’s up to you…This may or may not be your story but if you think about the childhood trauma or event that changed you or definitively shaped how you view people…relationships…and yourself…I bet you could get at the root of a lot of your pain…beliefs and behaviors. Now, as I flip this thing and think about romantic relationships this quote is everything….
“Quit putting people on pedestals and getting angry when they don’t live up to your expectations”. A Laws
I love this quote because this has been at the heart of a lot of my man luggage. All of the men that I’ve truly cared about had the following traits: strongly family oriented no matter the family drama ; actively engage in making their community better; considerate; rough and emotionally challenging upbringings; professional over-comers; unsure about self; incapable of truly communicating their feelings because at their core they where either protectors or always wanting to cover their shit because of their survival mode upbringing; yet seemingly decent caring guys; and on the verge of becoming men despite their age…because age doesn’t always equal maturity.
However, at their core these were truly good guys…and I strongly believed that… so much so that it overrode any of the negative hurtful things they did because in a relationship it is seemingly impossible to never hurt the other person; we are perfectly imperfect flawed people who sometimes have bad days and carry around or experiences and our life traumas in different ways, not to mention that I look at the whole picture and everything that shapes a man… or so I reasoned….Even when Yeshua and I were simply associates I’ve always been a pretty forgiving and introspectively reflective person always willing to cop to my short comings and trying to honor the other person’s feelings. Therefore…even though I had been hurt greatly I could push through it…and look for the good….Even when the holy spirit was moving and I was made aware of things…and even despite patterns repeating I hoped beyond hope that this person was different but in reality they weren’t…Believing in people isn’t something that I will stop doing but I will be searching for balance… Balance…it is the key to every thing….which I’m coming to learn and understand because…..
The problem with this mode of thinking…believing…acting…and expecting is that the good always outweighs the bad and without even consciously realizing it that person has been placed on a pedal stool. Your expectations of them are greater because you’ve seen them operate on a higher level of consciousness and caring in the worst situations…therefore when you are shown the other side and its things that you don’t want to see…believe or acknowledge as well…
How do you overlook someone enjoying being in an environment were people thrive on drama… group think…doing messy and mean-spirited things to others…that it might also be a slight indicator of who they are as well…Even if they only enjoy being on the outskirts of it … Escapism…better them than me mentality…or a by-product of reality tv…I don’t know…maybe it’s nothing…IDK…It is amazing how reality tv has shaped our culture and social norms and is this attitude about participating in this type of environment our new norm because now a sex tape…nude pictures with the right celebrity =money/fame/and some level of success…When you truly love the person you’re sending the pics or making the video with then hopefully it will be a private thing between the two of you but now that money and celebrity are a part of the expectation it’s a different animal…or maybe not…I guess in this case as with most you do what makes you happy and you can live with…Expectations are a bogga to deal with it…
The point is that expectations come with certain desired outcomes attached to them and if you are doing all that you can beholding to them for your desired outcome then when it is met it is a wonderful thing but if it isn’t then the coping mechanisms you develop to deal with it take some time to undo especially if they are unhealthy. I know that as I’ve been studying my patterns…energy…etc…the concept of accepting the cause and effect of expectations on a deeper level a pattern has been revealing….Below you will find the definition of expectation which will hopefully make you think a little bit more about them and how you feel when they are met and aren’t…When dealing with people hope for the best but prepared for anything because you never truly know what you will get…
Expectation
- a prior action that takes into account or forestalls a later action
- the act of looking forward; especially : pleasurable expectation
- visualization of a future event or state
- something that inspires or tends to inspire confidence <gave repeated assurances of goodwill
- confidence of mind or manner : easy freedom from self-doubt or uncertainty; also: excessive self-confidence
- the act of conveying real
Contemplation
1. concentration on spiritual things as a form of private devotion
2 :a state of mystical awareness of God’s being
